Bad Jokes, baby's Journal|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Bad Jokes, baby's LiveJournal:
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|Friday, May 6th, 2011|
Did you hear about the new Bin Laden drink?
Two shots and a splash of seawater.
|Monday, March 28th, 2011|
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
|Wednesday, August 25th, 2010|
What do you get when you insert Human DNA into a Goat?
Banned from the Petting zoo.
|Saturday, June 5th, 2010|
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny chick with big blue hair."
|Wednesday, December 31st, 2008|
did you hear about the nun who was in love with the priest?( yeah...Collapse )
|Thursday, December 11th, 2008|
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
|Wednesday, November 26th, 2008|
What do your grandmother and a slinky have in common?
...they're both pretty boring until you push them off the stairs. Current Mood: bad.joke.
|Saturday, November 22nd, 2008|
What kind of monkey can fly?
A hot air baboon.
|Tuesday, October 14th, 2008|
There are two brothers, and the older one always picks on the younger one. One day, the younger brother is heading out the door with a stick covered with duct tape. The older brother says, "Where do you think you're going, stupid?"
The younger one says brightly, "I'm catching ducks!"
Older brother says, "You idiot, you don't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The younger brother shrugs, leaves. He comes back later with a ton of ducks hanging off his stick. The older brother ignores this.
The next day, the younger brother is heading out with his stick covered with chicken wire. The older brother says, "Hey, moron, what are you doing now?"
The younger brother smiles and says, "I'm catching chickens!"
The older brother says, "You sped, you're retarded, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The younger brother leaves, comes back later with chickens all over his stick. The older brother doesn't want to admit this works, so he keeps his mouth shut.
The next day, the younger brother is leaving the house with his backpack on and no stick. The older brother says, "Hey, dumbass, where's your stick?"
The younger brother reaches in his backpack and says, "Well, I don't need my stick today, but I got this pussy willow ..."
Older brother says, "Let me get my hat."
|Saturday, February 23rd, 2008|
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows because when the light comes on they all scatter.
|Monday, December 10th, 2007|
Which is better, a capitalist or a socialist hell?
A socialist hell, off course. In both you will be carved with knives, scalded by hot water and hung atop fires. But in the socialist hell, there won't be enough knives, and they break easily, the water boiler isn't working, and the fires are only lit half the time to save fuel.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'
The First Jump
Jack was telling John about his parachuting experience.
"I had all the lessons, and on my first jump the instructor
opened the door and told me to jump, but I told him
I wanted everyone to go first. After everyone jumped
the instructor told me to go, but I told him I couldn't.
The instructor tried to motivate me by saying, 'C'mon,
I have trained you, you can do it!', but I said, 'No,
No, I can't do it, I can't'. The instructor got really
angry and said, 'YOU CAN DO IT, JUMP NOW OR I AM GOING
TO GIVE IT TO YOU UP THE ASS!!!'"
John said, "So did you jump?"
Jack replied, "Only at first".
|Thursday, November 29th, 2007|
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
|Tuesday, February 27th, 2007|
How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
|Sunday, December 3rd, 2006|
(taken from a post that I saw in somebody else's LJ)
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
|Tuesday, October 31st, 2006|
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The skeleton replies, "A beer and a mop."
|Monday, October 16th, 2006|
|Thursday, October 5th, 2006|
An atom walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "Have you seen an electron I lost around here?"
The bartender asked, "Are you sure you lost an electron?"
The atom replied, "I'm positive."